Full Moon

Finally, the scaffolding has been taken down after six months of balcony renovation in the building. It was a pleasant surprise this morning, doubled with an amazingly beautiful full moon, round and golden, shining in the rather clear sky and disappearing very quickly under the horizon.

The full moon has a strong effect on me emotionally. It makes my blood wane and ebb like tides of the ocean. It awakens the wolferine inside me. Sometimes it makes me unable to fall asleep. At other times I get exhausted because my emotions drain me out. Either way, I can't deny the power of the moon over me. And you?

Deux

Made in 1989, "Deux" ("Two") is perhaps a lesser known movie that stars my favorite French actor Gérard Depardieu, but this doesn't mean it is not a good movie. In fact, I find it quite surprising that the film is not more known in the international circle. Directed by Claude Zidi, "Deux" is a love story that starts with a "coup de foudre" in which Gérard Depardieu, a contemporary music composer turned concert organizer, meets and falls head over heels for a real estate agent played by the beautiful Maruschka Detmers during his hunt for a house in Montmartre, Paris.

The attraction is so strong between the two that whenever they go to view the property, they end up in bed. One day Depardieu proposes marriage, and it is after this surprising news that the two start to wonder about what it means to get married. Depardieu has been a bachelor and playboy all his life, so he doesn't want to be tied down by the promise of fidelity. His fiancée, having lived an indepedent life while being protected by her parents at the same time, doesn't seem to want to give the whole of herself either. They have a ridiculous discussion of the marital contract before their wedding, and even decide not to have sex before their big day. But none of these tricks make things better.

It is not until after an explosion and a terrible fire in a restaurant where they discuss their separation, that things start to make an 180-degree turn.

Highly charged with romantic tension, humor and questions of marriage and commitment, this movie is anything but the average Hollywood-style fairytale flick. But at the end of the movie, you would feel that it is a fairytale of real love, no less.

Two years in Sweden: a “newcomer” examines contentment

The following is a Q&A on my experience as a "newcomer" in Sweden, published 1.5 years ago on a Web site for American immigrants in Sweden. It is interesting to look back on my evaluation of my personal situation then and compare it with how I feel today.

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It would be very interesting to know just how many expatriates choose to stay in Sweden, or return to their home country. For, the situation of many new expatriates can be extremely difficult. Airchild, now in Sweden for two years, responded to the 4 discussion questions based on the results of the contentment survey.

Question 1: “37% of the women in the 25 to 40 age group report being without work in Sweden. This is a large percentage of unemployment for any group, anywhere. And, 33% of the women responded that they will probably live in Sweden for a long time and "are not happy about that." We can speculate ad infinitum why people are unhappy, but, what could make these women feel better about their life here? If you personally have achieved success, a sense of accomplishment and contentment, what would you share with this group who are not content in Sweden? Or, if you are not content either, can you shed some light on why you are not?”

Airchild: “I cannot call my experience successful because I haven't had any stable work since I came to Sweden, and it has been two years now. In the beginning I did have some luck, and found work as an hourly English teacher, and later as a magazine editor. But due to various reasons I could not continue with them, and I was at the brink of a burnout from the magazine job, which was a big surprise because I thought that my stressful work back in New York and Hong Kong was enough to "immune" myself from this. Anyway, I started a freelance writing business without much guidance and connections, so I have only had a few small assignments. Of course I am not very happy about that, but I try not to be too harsh on myself because starting a business is something I have never done before, so at least I should congratulate myself on being able to fill out the bureaucratic forms all by myself!

Due to the lack of stable work, I decided to study Swedish at the university level, and hopefully that will help me in my future work.

I do think that being gainfully employed is very important to an immigrant's contentment, because it is very hard to feel a sense of integration in the Swedish society outside of the work environment (especially if you are not a parent and don't have contact with other parents in the dagis or school environment). However, I have decided not to let it be the most important fact for my contentment here in Sweden. Even though I and my husband are in very poor financial situations, we have found many creative ways to be happy.”

Question 2: “Confidence: The majority of this group, 25 to 40 year old females, evaluated themselves as "fair" in their language skills, and assimilation as "fair". Can you relate to that, or, is your reaction the opposite? If so, why?”

Airchild: “I think my Swedish skill is good in terms of reading, fair in terms of writing and listening, and enough to get by in terms of speaking. My confidence didn't come until after I have been able to speak to people without making them feel like they have to switch to English. I think that many immigrants have a misconception that one will become fluent in Swedish after they've finished SFI, and that they will be able to find work after that. It's a myth. A language takes many years to master, and I wouldn't call myself fluent until I can think or dream in Swedish!

In terms of assimilation, I would say mine is poor. Sure, I have no problem doing stuff like shopping, visiting doctors, making phone calls to various myndigheter, and even setting up an enkild firma. My comfort level is pretty good in these day-to-day contacts with the Swedish society. However, I don't feel I am well assimilated because I don't have my own circle of friends who are close to me, nor do I feel any closer to my in-laws. And of course not being in the Swedish workplace also makes me feel being on the edge of society. Age also makes a big difference. I believe that migrating at a younger age makes assimilation much easier. (I only said that from my own experience.) Luckily, I have a very good relationship with my husband, and I am truly in love with the Swedish nature and environment. So I take joy in those instead of brooding over the lack of human connections. (Well, I am also a loner type so it helps, I suppose!) I guess if you equate assimilation to happiness, then being able to assimilate is pivotal to your well-being. But if, on the other hand, assimilation is not 100 percent necessary for your contentment, then life would be relatively easier. For me, life has become much easier when I realized that total assimilation is not a reasonable goal for me, at least not at this point.

One thing I want to add is that I have experience of immigrations three times in my life, so the cultural shock of moving from the States to Sweden wasn't as big as the one I experienced when I moved from Hong Kong to the States, for example. But my assimilation into the American society was much easier than that into the Swedish society. So initially, I was very disheartened and frustrated in my attempt to come into the Swedish society.”

Question 3: “The men seem to be happier than the women, only 20% reported that they are not content living in Sweden: does it all boil down to family economy and having a job? Or, are expat men more confident than expat women no matter what their situation?”

Airchild: “I think that men do have a better chance in getting jobs. But I really don't have much to say about this.”

Question 4: “Do you think contentment is purely an individual thing and that all of those who reported being discontent might just be discontent anywhere?”

Airchild: I think so, to a certain degree. Of course our environments affect us--to some people, the climate affects them a lot; to others, human relationships are most important. I would certainly be happier if I lived in a warmer climate.

However, if we are more prone to seeing the positive side of things, then it becomes easier to be content no matter where you are. Also, have patience and allow room for personal growth and adaptation. Things change, your opinions and feelings toward things and people also change over time. I am actually quite surprised that I have transformed from a pessimist to an optimist during the past two years. Certain major areas of my life had hit rock bottom, but somehow, those experiences made me stronger. I think the key is to focus on now and on what we have.”

Una Giornata Particolare

"One Particular Day" (1997) by legendary Italian director Ettore Scola starring Sophia Loren and Marcello Mastroianni, tells of an unusal day experienced by a housewife and a homosexual man, who live in the same housing complex and choose not to attend a political gathering on the day Hitler visits their city, Rome. The story starts with a simple and mundane plot with the housewife fixing breakfasts and clothes for her six kids and her husband. Her inner life goes through an enormous change from the moment her bird leaves the cage, forcing her to retrieve it from a neighbor's room.

When she meets this neighbor--a homosexual man played by the charming Marcello Mastroianni--something strange happens. She falls in love, and he becomes very fond of her. In fact, she unknowingly saves him from committing suicide that day. But it is not after much tension and struggles that they come to terms with their feelings for each other, and then there is acceptance, and union.

Their meeting during that "particular day" has created a big shock within themselves. For her, it is the birth of a desire to break free from the conventional role of a mother and submissive wife that she has been encaged in. For him, it is the expanded identity he has gained through the experience of being intimate with a woman, and most important of all, to be accepted and loved despite the fact that he is gay--something that has cost him his job and dignity in the fascist society he is condemned to live in.

The movie has such a powerful plot and subtle symbolisms, made three-dimensional with the constant radio broadcast of Hitler's meeting with Mossolini, signifying the context of the tragedy embodied by the two atagonists. The acting by these two Italian cinematic stars is world class and the directing by Ettore Scola is just exceptional. Really a masterpiece.

On Chinese Food

One of the things most of my non-Chinese friends are curious about when they strike up a conversation with me, is Chinese food. "Do you eat dogs? Cats? Worms? What about rats?"

Well, to the first question, I am very sorry to say that I did--but without my knowing. One day grandma told me that I was given dog meat when I was little, perhaps 3 years old, when the family was still living in China.

As for the other questions, seriously I don't know. Perhaps those of you who are or have been to China in recent years can enlighten me. Hong Kong, where I grew up, has not adopted these eating habits.

I do remember seeing grilled sparrows on a stick while strolling down the Dong An Men night market in Beijing. Another time I ordered "deep fried scorpions" in a Shichuan restaurant, which turned out to be four tiny hard-shelled (crispy?) insects in pitch black, standing on four shrimp chips with their sharp tails pointing upwards. They gave me the chills and I requested the dish to be returned. The waitress smiled in pleasant surprise. I think she went back to the kitchen and consumed this delicacy without delay.

Shocking dishes aside, the rest of the vast selection of Chinese cuisine is just heaven to me. I can't stop drooling when I think of the countless wonderful dishes my mom cooked throughout my childhood, and the delicious dim sums and Hong Kong-style bakery I enjoyed so much while in Hong Kong (and to a lesser extend, New York).

Wherever I go, I try to adapt to the local cuisine and eating habits. But sometimes I can't help but miss those habits I acquired as a child--habits that are synonymous with comfort and well-being. Picking up a sweet potato deep fried in batter or a piece of fried bell pepper stuffed with fish paste, or else a stick of curry fishballs on my way home from school was the highlight of the day, no doubt! Often, this after-school snacking habit was shared with a couple of good friends.

And then there are those Hong Kong bakeries that have borrowed partly from the French boulangerie tradition, partly from the Swiss cake tradition and added some Macau-Portuguese elements. Every morning, buns are continuously baked for the thousands of people rushing to school and work, so we got fresh bread the first thing in the morning. Here in Sweden, such bakeries are almost non-existent in neighborhoods, so one often has to buy packaged bread from the supermarket and consume it unfresh. I have actually given up on eating bread because of this. My favorite item of the Hong Kong-style bakeries is the egg tart, warm from the oven with a puff pastry shell. On special occasions, a dozen small cream and fruit cakes in Swiss and French styles packed in a colorful cardboard box became the sweet little things that lightened up my day.

Although I never had time to have dim sum in the early morning--a habit of many older people in Hong Kong--I did enjoy noodles in the street for breakfast sometimes. The noodles were freshly fried in a humongous wok and put into a brown paper bag with a pair of disposible chopsticks. Perfectly filling breakfast in the winter months. And then sometimes there is porridge--not the sweet kind with milk and sugar that the Swedes eat, but plain old rice porridge with water. Of course this plain porridge has to be consumed with sticks of deep fried doughs called "fried ghosts," dipped in light soy sauce.

When I was an adult returning to Hong Kong after having lived in the States for four years, my palette got a pleasant surprise as I became aware of the many culinary delights that I either took for granted as a kid, or had simply missed because my family could seldom afford to eat out. My several business trips to mainland China gave me a chance to taste a broad range of local cuisines, from "cross-the-bridge rice threads", "dan dan noodles" to Beijing dumplings by the kilo and yin-yan hot pot with paper-thin mutton slices.

Living in Sweden, I sorely miss good-quality Chinese food. Even the best dim sum restaurant in Stockholm lacks variety. I don't even want to eat in the Chinese restaurants here anymore. Without exaggeration, I can say that I cook better than the chefs there.

And speaking of cooking, I really miss the fresh meat and vegetables we could buy daily from the open grocery markets in Hong Kong. Not frozen meat and vegetables from the supermarket. But freshly slaughtered chickens, pigs and cows, hung in the butchers' shop for your careful inspection. I still remember the sight of pultry butchers slitting the necks of chickens and plucking their feathers; meat butchers transporting dead pigs on their shoulders in the early morning bustles; and hawkers chopping of the heads from frogs and eels and peeling their skin off while the bodies continued to twitch in spasms. Well, perhaps that's too much for you to swallow. Uh-hum.

Now, need I say how much I long to go back to Hong Kong and China and have a feast? No, not just a feast, but feasts for a thousand evenings.

The Natural Rythymn

The human rythmn started to get haywire when electricity was invented.

We stopped observing the moon and feeling how it affects our bodies and emotions.

We stopped reducing our amount of activities during the winter months and "hibernate."

We stopped slowing down in the evening to let the body prepare for sleep.

We stopped making love when our bodies feel like it because we let stress and business get in our way.

Women stopped resting and taking it easy when they have their monthly bleeding.

And finally we have stopped letting our finest senses and intuition guide us, relying instead on pure rational thinking such as the rules of economics.

Henry David Thoreau observed rightly in his book Walden:

"He has no time to be anything but a machine…. The finest qualities of our nature, like the bloom on fruits, can be preserved only by the most delicate handling. Yet we do not treat ourselves nor one another thus tenderly."

Fanfan

A French romantic classic starring Sophie Marceau and Vincent Perez. Perez plays Alexandre, a young man in a stale relationship with his fiancée. He was swept off his feet when he met the beautiful and charming Fanfan (Sophie Marceau). Realizing that a "settled" and "routinized" relationship kills the feeling of freshness and aliveness, Alexandre came up with a solution--the solution, which is to chase Fanfan forever without ever having sex with her. This drives Fanfan nuts, as she knows that he loves her and she loves him. The end of the story is for you to see. The acting is five star. Sophie Marceau has such a special charm and beauty that she puts the audience on spell, just as she does to Alexandre! And the story is well written, the scenes so classic Parisian. Anybody who loves a good classic romance would love this movie.

The Average Stockholmer in Reality

The official picture of the Average Stockholmers is all painted by statistics. But as Mark Twain said: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics," we've got to take this picture with a grain of salt.

When it comes to salary, for example, the average salary is the before-tax figure. Since Stockholmers pay an average 30% income tax, the after-tax average comes down to SEK14.350 (US$1,971 / €1.588). If that still seems high to you, hold on. There is a 25% sales tax on almost everything we buy. And besides, many blue collar workers earn much less than this figure. Given that fact that the price level here in Sweden is among the highest in Europe, a typical workers' salary doesn't go very far. (Eating out, for example, is a luxury. I do this only once every three to four months).

The worst item on the list of a Stockholmer's expenses has to be housing. Unless you are lucky enough to have a first-hand rental contract of a large apartment from several decades ago, you are most likely to have to a) rent second-hand or third-hand and move around once every few months; b) buy a first-hand rental contract in the black market for about SEK250000 ($34,339 / €27.706) in cash and then pay the rent every month; c) purchase an apartment at the average cost of SEK40000 ($5,500 / €4.400) per square metre, and keep on paying a monthly maintenance fee.

What about the healthcare system? Isn't it among the best in the world--as an average Swede would argue? Well, the medical system has deteriorted so much in recent years that people really don't get much out of their tax money. There has been a substantial cut of healthcare workers in recent years. Elderly people don't get the low-cost healthcare and dental care anymore. They have to pay from their own pockets if they want to do anything "special" and often they have to travel very far to see the doctor. Expecting mothers are always in the fear of not being able deliver at a hospital in time--there are simply not even beds in most hospitals serving cities. Women are discouraged to see a gynecologist on a regular basis because now they have to pay SEK600 instead of the original SEK120 nominal fee. And the lines to see any doctor at all is long, so you'd better try not to be sick at all.

The official unemployment figure is 6%, but having been unemployed for long stretches of periods, I understand that this figure doesn't reflect the reality. Since many unemployed people choose to go back to school or take some courses to improve their skills (which I have done), they are not counted as unemployed, but in reality they are.

And then there are those who benefit from the parental leave system. Before I came to Sweden, I thought, "What a great benefit!" After I came here I realized that one cannot really take advantage of it if one is unemployed, and who knows how long it would take for an immigrant to get a job? Even for those couples who benefit, most fathers don't choose to take paternal leaves because they would have to sacrifice a larger sum from their income than if their wives take the leave (due to the fact that men learn more than women in general). Yes, in the land which touts itself as being one of the most gender-equal society in the world, women are still being paid substantially less than their male counterparts even if they hold the same positions.

Crime is on the rise, of course. The most shocking in the public life of this social democracy since Olof Palme was the murder of Foreign Minister Anne Lindh last year. But, unfortunately, it did not shake the average citizen out of their rose-colored bubble. To them, this society has always functioned best as a social democracy, so it should be kept the way it always has been. There are so many social problems that can no longer be solved by the high-taxation and "big brother" governing philosophy. The "folkhemmet" (people's home) of the 60s is no longer a reality. But most people still live in that dream--that illusion that the government is going to take care of you from cradle to grave.

The Average Stockholmers

Here is the profile of the Average Stockholmer according to the Stockholm Visitors Board:

Stockholm has 763 000 inhabitants. Greater Stockholm has a population of 1, 850, 000 people. Sweden's total population is 9 million.

The average Stockholmer is 39 years old, earns SEK 20,500 (US$2816 / 2268 EURO) per month, and has 1.36 children.

The average woman in Stockholm had her first child at 30.5 years of age. Her life expectancy is 81. The average man will live to 75.

Stockholm has more single-person households than any other capital in the world. Most of the single people live on Kungsholmen, where they occupy a little over 80 percent of the apartments. In second place is Södermalm, where the corresponding figure is 60 percent.

Parents are entitled to be at home with their children for 480 days. Fathers can use half of these days for paternity leave. 47 percent of men took advantage of paternity leave.

Eighty-seven percent of Stockholmers use cell phones and 80 percent have Internet access at home.

Fear of Flying

This erotic classic by Erica Jong tells in raw honesty the struggles of a young Jewish-American female poet to find herself and find balance after several failed relationships. Jong has sliced open a woman's head and shown everything happening inside. With a shocking sense of frankness, she has revealed the sexual fantasies of women--her imaginary "zipless fuck" having gotten almost an enshrined status. Describing a woman's sexual fantasies in such an open way was unprescedented at the time the book was published 30 years ago. But even today, many of the questions it's raised on sexuality, infidelity, the gender war, marriages, childbirth, career, etc, are still current. I found myself struggling with many of the issues that the protagonist, Isadora Wing, struggles with. At the same time, I cracked up at many humorous scenes sprinkled throughout the story. It's definitely worth reading, both for women and for men who are looking to understand women better.

Who Am I?

I'm a homeless citizen of the Universe
An oddball, a stranger wherever I go
Being spit on, looked down upon
By those who think they are normal

I'm a wandering soul in the World of conformity
A foreigner, a nail that sticks out
Constantly hammered upon
Until my head is flat and bent and out of shape

But I will continue to be who I am
Spite me if you want
I don't give a damn

~Airchild